Write Your Own Bills Column
A bit of humor to lighten the grim situation
by Tony Bogyo
September 27, 2005

The editors at Bills Daily have asked me to write a column a week for them during the season, and Iíve had a good time standing on my weekly soap box, shooting my mouth off, showing what I know and donít know about the game and the team from Buffalo. Sometimes I get good feedback on my work, other times people send me hate mail and get completely irrational (chill out people, itís just a game).

For the most part I really like writing about the Bills. But Iím starting to run out of ideas. Itís hard to find a new topic or angle every week and write a column about it. Iím also a pretty busy guy between work and having a set of 10-month-old twins at home. If it werenít for Tivo, I donít think Iíd have been able to watch a single game or television show since last December.

In looking for ideas for this weekís column, I decided I would look back at some of my old work. I found that for the past few years the analyses of past games were pretty similar.

A light bulb went on in my head. If I say similar things every week about the Bills and Iím too busy to write my column, couldnít I just make slight changes to old columns and republish them? Sure Iíd be phoning it in, but it would be so much easier than typing a new column every week. Think of all the time it would free up in my hectic life! Alas, I fear that the good folks at Bills Daily would eventually catch on to my shenanigans. I know Iíd slip up and forget to change a name only to have people bash me for publishing a rant about how bad Lonnie Johnson was on Sunday against Atlanta.

Fortunately, there is still a solution that will allow everyone to be happy, one that will allow Bills Daily to get a weekly column, one that gives the reader what they want to hear, one that allows me to spend more time with my wife and kids rather than slaving over a keyboard Ė a do it yourself Bills column! Iíll provide the framework of the column, and you, the reader, can fill in some easy blanks to create the column you want to read!

Here you go:

What a game! If you missed Sundayís game against (opponentís team name), you (missed a great game/missed a heartbreaker/missed a blowout/did less vomiting than me). The Bills (dominated the/just got past the/let one slip away to/got pounded by) (opponentís team name). The game was (a classic/the same stuff weíve been watching for years/soul crushing). Itís still early in the season, but the playoffs (could still happen/are a tremendous long shot/nothing more than a delusion caused by heavy drug use).

Offensively, the Bills were (adequate/mediocre/the unit that cost the game/an abomination). The Bills went 3-and-out (only once/3 times/almost every possession), something that set the tone for the game. Quarterback (Rob Johnson/Drew Bledsoe/J.P. Losman) passed for (200 yards/150 yards/100 yards/36 yards). He (did enough not to lose the game/got sacked 8 times/threw 3 interceptions/looked completely lost). Next week he needs to (keep up the mediocrity/learn to get rid of the damn ball/not lock onto Moulds every play/learn to play in the NFL).

The offensive line (gave the quarterback time/committed stupid penalties/looked like turnstile monitors/cost us the game again). The unit was without (2/3/4) starters including Mike Williams, who was out due to (leg injury/shoulder injury/psychological frailty). Run blocking was (adequate/bad/worse than pass blocking) - every yard was hard-fought by (Shaun Bryson/Travis Henry/Willis McGahee).

The Bills problems in the red zone continue. The offense scored (2/1/absolutely no) touchdowns from inside the 20 and had to settle for field goals (3/4/5) times. A (costly penalty/quarterback sack/turnover) killed another red zone opportunity.

The defense (allowed us to win when we only scored 10 points/scored more points than the offense again/played twice as long as the offense/was completely dominated). Statistically, the Bills defense now ranks (2nd, 3rd, 30th) and the unit is striving to be (number 1/better than at least 3 other teams). The big names on defense showed (why the Bills are lucky to have them/that the Bills pay too much for big names/age is a factor in this game). In short, the Bills defense can be summed up in one word: (awesome/struggling/overhyped/miserable).

Next week the Bills match up against (next opponent name) - a game they (should win/have a shot at winning/are going to lose again). Iíll be watching and (cheering on the team/biting my nails/drinking heavily/jabbing myself in the leg with a fork to forget the pain). Go Bills!